The drunks of democracy – Chawm Ganguly

317967_3909044720431_1187573418_nWe hardcore drunkards have this love-hate relationship with the Elections. Ever notice how the very first thing they do once the Elections are declared is to put a blanket ban on booze? Just because a bunch of politicians who feed on bribes and quench their thirst by sucking the blood of the poor will do their item number for democracy, you, God fearing, Taxpaying, wife abused gentleman will have to do with all your watering holes going dry for unbearably long periods of time! Viva la democracia!

Does anybody give a damn as to what it means to us lovers of the firewater? What if you are a daily wage earner and buy your quota of ambrosia every day?  Where will you get the money to stock up for the medieval siege? What about those of us drunkards who are forced to embrace the “Gujarat Model” – that of buying your booze in the parallel, Black Market, like they do so nonchalantly in the Mahatma’s home state? Imagine making a trip to the seamy underbelly of the society for the sake of your tipple and being “forced” to buy “appeasement” from the same people you are used to politically castigating in your full rightist indignation. Are our politicians educated enough to even understand the economic ramifications of forcing us “Right, honourable drunkards” into the arms of the “Invisible Hand” as postulated by no other than Adam Smith? Or for that matter, the sheer ignominy of being subjected to the “Manifesto of a Drunkard’s Wife” on a daily basis at home, just because you have no wet island of sanity to escape to and because of all the stock you have piled up?

The hypocrisy is mindless in its infantile stupidity. The rich will be sipping their Duty Free elixirs on the rocks. The poor will be forced to guzzle the country made stuff as all political parties will try and flood them in an effort to buy their inebriated loyalties. The stench of hooch will become all pervading, as pumped with political patronage, the free loaders will increase the pitch of their political ignorance forcing your wife to screw her nose in disgust and giving you that knowing look, mention how the spirits bring out the beast in men.

Just imagine: the top five percent who spend the most on alcohol and the bottom five percent who consume the maximum will raise their toast in some perverted dance of democracy to the rest: the overwhelming, albeit “silent” majority of simple, tipple loving men like us. If that is not pseudo alcoholism, what is? Raising your glass of “nimboo-pani” in a toast to the teetotaler?

And then, there are the politicians. They do sober, what very few of us drunkards even dare do drunk. Ever notice, how they hide their glasses by wrapping napkins around them? Now, that is the sure sign of an oxymoron, like a virgin on Viagra, a cheat, a sham, an affront to the spirits of our forefathers, of drunkards past. At least, we drunkards wake up sober, them politicians? They still look ugly in the morning.

First, they get the booze flowing. Then they fill our hearts and sozzled heads with their hatred fueled by vested interests. Then they wring their hands in glee as we drunken moneys do our Kung-fu acts only to put on their masks of self-righteousness when the Cops arrive, playing to the galleries, requesting that the “drunkards are packed off”. If it took fortunes to keep Gandhi poor, imagine the price we are still paying to keep him sober! And yes, in case you still have any doubts, the politicians have taken a lot more out of alcohol, than what alcohol has taken out of them! Yes, we drunkards do occasionally pass out and roll on the floor in total, oblivious bliss. But these politicians have only one agenda – to ensure every single one is floored, with or without the intoxication – bliss be damned.

“Man” said Lord Byron, “being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.” That is why I must sound this clarion call to all right thinking lovers of alcohol. “We have nothing to lose but our chains and the whole new world (of inebriation) to win”. Friends, we must put our glasses down with all the firmness (so as not to spill the drinks) and voice our protest in opposition to this conspiracy against alcoholism. The politicians have been “using” us for their selfish gains for ages and we must not allow that to be perpetrated ad-vomitum. Every lover of alcohol worth his two fingers must unite for the greater cause of world inebriation, global peace, sustainable drinking, equal opportunity and corporate social drinkability.

Remember, when we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we go to sleep. When we go to sleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven. So cast your vote and prepare for the onward heavenly journey. Politics and politicians be damned!

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