There is one activity that never ceases to amuse me. As a matter of fact, at times, they are so bloody hilarious that one literally has to “rofl” (roll on the floor laughing). Yes I know I’m a bit weird, but I love reading the content of Company websites and brochures and then compare the tall claims (vainglorious superlatives) to the reality.
I will be honest upfront. Having written these eulogies for donkey’s years, I was curious as to whether “real” people (as opposed to Babu’s sidekicks) actually read them or not. Cursory probes established the fact that they are not even skim read and are there merely to fill pages. When I prodded further, what I saw was that the hyperbole was full of clichés, so obnoxious that even a small partake was enough to force on to nausea.
One feels sad as well – here are companies wasting bandwidth, resources and energy by seeking to hide their ineptness and inefficiencies behind hyperbole. One shudders at the thought of how redundant they will be, like the famed Mayan Calendar, in the days of social media led search and seizures.
To cut a long story short, here’s the top then for you.
Fostering inclusive growth – here you are selling switch gears with your website talking of inclusive growth. Ask the owner what being inclusive is all about and you will see the most striking blank look. Thanks to some wordsmith dressing an Eskimo in an Arab’s thawb!
Paradigm shift – this is another oft repeated cliché bandied about with ceaseless abandon. From two bit manufacturers to retailers and resellers – almost everybody claims to be the agents that will introduce a paradigm shift in the way things are conducted. Yes, the more insignificant fringe element you are, the shriller is your pitch. This is the Arvind Kejriwal of corporate brinkmanship.
Equal opportunity employer – I stumbled upon this mid-sized corporate that eulogized about it being an equal opportunity employer. When I studied further I saw that the only lady (apart from the receptionist) was the Babu’s wife! And yes, she was in charge of HR. “ladies are good in HR as they are always hiring and firing at home” the proud owner had said. Domestic help to Director hired by the same nincompoop – now it that is not just and equitable, what is?
Ethical entity – “kuch le-de ke salat lo na” (give some, take some to end the problem) is what they do the whole day – “managing the environment” of “earn” their filthy lucre. Yet hear them shout about ethics. I used to be perturbed, how do they do something and talk of being something else? Then I realised it is easy, you just keep talking about the exact opposite of what you do for a living.
To make the world cleaner, greener and more prosperous for the children of tomorrow. This one must take the cake. Here is a vendor of packaged cooking masala talking of changing the face of the world, that too, for future generations to come all the while adding toxic colours to its ware. The way companies have jumped on the bandwagon of climate change, taking “greenwashing” to greater heights is really despicable.
Agents of change – a catalyst that transforms? Well, this gentleman made his millions selling sarees and has now diversified into areas like stock broking and academics. How he or his companies are transforming the face of the nation is anybody’s guess.
Enhancing shareholder values – the shareholders are the most abused lot goes without saying yet, companies routinely have sections on shareholder support and engagement that have no meaning whatsoever. With social media opening the floodgates, I presume irate shareholders will soon vent their anger in the various social forums and corporates will find it increasingly difficult to address the concerns raised.
In the national interest – just imagine the cheek of the multi level marketing company (a chit fund if you may) justifying their business in the national interest “collecting the scattered small savings at the bottom of the pyramid to gainfully deploy them for creation of national wealth.” Their projects? One movie (a flop Bengali one at that) and a 3 star hotel in New Digha. Some national development!
Conscience keeper – “we view ourselves as the conscience keeper of the Nation, ever vigilant, ever ready to reach out to transform the lives of the downtrodden” claimed another corporate handout. “How do you do it” I asked feigning ignorance? Well, we make yearly donations to xyz … nudge and you will see that the xyz entity is actually a front organisation of a rabid political party!
Embracing Sustainable Development – everybody has embraced sustainability, but hardly anybody knows what it is. The real bloomer off course was from the chit fund that claimed, “we have been fostering sustainable development for more than 50 months now by refunding the matured deposits!”