50 shades of growing old – Chawm Ganguly

Happy New Year, all ye pilgrims. As we settle back in our desks, let us for once forget about demonetisation and all chawmbescthat hogging our attention and haggling us as conversation magnets – that’s so last year . Dump them as the broken promises (or unhonoured promissory notes) that they were – let us instead focus on more pressing issues. Like health and getting old and coping up with tomorrow.

Mitron, are you getting old? Am I? well, it’s kinda funny, but there are so many little things that are pointing fingers ominously. Take a look, and who knows, you may be on your way to anachronism the same way that I am.

You know you are getting old when:

01. You have more tablets for breakfast than toasts. (tablets as in pills as well as hand-held’s)

02. Your boss is younger than you are : and worse, he is a she.

03. Your report card is still full of Red. Only this one comes from the diagnostic center.

04. Dad ain’t there no more to sign it.

05. India’s cricket captain is younger than you are.

06. You don’t stand a devil’s chance in any form of computer gaming.

07. Young tiny –something’s, religiously call you “uncle”.

08. You car has more club stickers than dents.

09. Your monthly club bills do not look like a telephone directory any more.

10. You ache in places which you thought did not exist.

11. You spend more time with your physiotherapist than with your best buddy.

12. You actually like staying back in office.

13. Your peon hates you for staying late every single day of the week.

14. Saturdays are no longer for binge drinking and disc hopping.

15. Your wife’s nagging has become a constant drone in the back of your ears.

16. You have learnt to Rock with the bass guitar that out of sync.

17. You actually have an insurance policy that has matured.

18. Your wallet has more credit cards than bank notes.

19. You don’t remember when you last used them.

20. In an alien city, you don’t feel the desperate urge to check out the night spots.

21. CNN gets preference to both F and M TV.

22. You discover the virtues of Foot massage in Bangkok.

23. You prefer straight trousers to jeans on an evening out.

24. You get to pick up the tab, whosoever is dining out with you.

24. The page 3 is nauseating, so are the people in it.

25.  The mom’s look more appetizing than the daughters.

26. You can talk at length about corruption and anachronistic laws.

27. You feel drowsy the day after.

28. They know you at the airport lounges.

29. You are always grouching about your driver’s road sense.

30. You understand the meaning of the cliché : the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

31. You get shunted to look into the Social Responsibility aspects of your company.

32.  You need the spectacles – they aren’t a fashion accessory any more.

33. Nike sneakers look garish. And obscenely priced.

34.  You can’t remember when you last wore your Grateful Dead t-shirt.

34. Same about Dark Side of the Moon, in full blast.

35. You are horrified when somebody refers to John Lennon as “ a great musician from the last century.

36.  You can relate to all the nagging wife jokes.

37. You actually know what DOS was, and Wordstar, and Dbase.

38. When your heart skips a beat, its medical, not emotional.

39. You rate experience over energy.

40. What was once music to your ears, is now an assault on the eardrums.

41. You don’t assume things, you actually follow them up.

42. Beauty is indeed skin deep. Though you still can’t figure out what drives the market for beauty products.

43. Maggi – when was that staple food?

44. The Stylus has replaced the Mont Blanc? Really?

45. People routinely seek your blessings.

46. You can remember what you did last night, or last summer, for that matter.

47. The last movie that you remember enjoying was the Matrix.

48. Facebook, Twitter, Linked in is all passe : is there anything that is age-appropriate?

49. Parental Guidance – Huh? It’s more Senior Citizen.

50. Fifty Shades of Gray – you talking about the hair on my head? What hair? Where?

Whoever said that you are like old wine, maturing with age, when all you feel like is an old rascal, going senile by the day?