2014 – All is well with Orwell: A sneak peek at what’s in store in the year ahead. Chawm Ganguly

chawm g (25)a2014 will be an awesome year. Because of a celestial alignment that has never happened hitherto in the brief history of time, things will happen that are destined not only to make jaws go agape, but also to ensure that our worst fantasies come to life. Here’s what I see in the crystal ball – portend of the things to come:

  • The USA will attack the USA and before pulling out will seek to win the hearts of the people by building bridges, schools and hospitals. Guinea Pig countries like Iraq and Afghanistan will not be required for invasion as television channels will have enough “Breaking News” footages at home itself. Record number of Americans will finally know where America is. Diplomacy by Drones will be replaced by Diplomacy at Home. Cola and Burgers will be served and everybody will be happy thereafter.
  • Aravind Kejriwal will throw himself out with the bathwater after the Social Media dump him for the next instant phenomenon. The first case of a political #Tweet-a-RIP.
  • Adhaar Cards will be linked to Facebook accounts so that every time one got a refund on Cooking Gas Subsidy, all friends would know and make party arrangements accordingly.
  • Ramdev will lay claim to the yogic cure for Delusions of Grandeur – no guesses as to who his first patient will be though. Biharis from Taxila and Mohonlal Gandhi’s can finally sleep in peace.
  • Twitter will become a country with own National Army and Legislature and the works. The National Anthem will be scored by A.R. Rehman after overcoming a stiff challenge from Justin Bieber.
  • A fractured mandate will ensure another hung Parliament. Mamata Banerjee will be sworn in as the Prime Minister of a 256 colour Rainbow Coalition (best viewed in an Ameoled display). Shah Rukh Khan’s next blockbuster will feature the “rubber-slipper dance”.
  • As the battle lines will become more pronounced between a liberal, forward looking rest-of-India and the anachronistic, cow-belt shopkeepers – the self-styled guardians of National Morals – the ramps will be set on fire by khadi knickers and pink panties.
  • More Indians will have access to the net than safe sanitation. IIT alumnus will win the Nobel Prize for patenting personal bio-gas generation unit lovingly christened “shit to heat”.
  • A new condom called “Dipper” will be launched aimed at the roadies to add meaning to the slogan painted at the back of all trucks – “Use Dipper at Night”. No, “Press Horn” will not be considered sexist: Buri Nazar wale, tera muh is indeed kaala!
  • Dhoom 4 will be ready for Diwali release featuring MS Dhoni as the leader of a gang of bicycle thieves from the future. The period flick, a sci-fi extravaganza, will prove to be the ultimate challenge for the mentally deranged.
  • Tarun Tejpal’s cutody diaries will become an international hit. The Book will be called My-Sting-a-ling!
  • Sunny Leone will become a Monk (no, a female monk is not a Mink) refurbishing the old Bong adage “Shomoi jokhon kharap jai, tokhon Sunny Leone o Rakhi porai”! (Roughly translated, “You know the times are indeed bad, when, even Sunny Leone makes a brother out of you”.)

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