Kiritbhai, with his weather beaten safari suit, an excuse of a job, paan masala stained teeth and dyed hair is as average as your average Joe can get: till his phone rings. For when his phone rings, the entire neighborhood is jolted by the assault of his patriotism as his phone belts out “Sare Jahan Se Accha”. Oblivious of the smirks and sundry other noises of disgust, Kiritbhai deftly fumbles with his reading glasses, identifies the caller, spits out his masala before mouthing his incoherent “elo”? Needless to say, to the continuing discomfiture of everyone around him, within a radius.
It’s not, the otherwise nice man that he is, that he wants to be a nuisance by choice. It’s just that it is in his DNA – the insensitivity, that is. Yes, he is the type that spits the red menace all over the place, his favourite, like the neighborhood dog’s lamp post, being Government Building staircases, with or without warnings of divine retribution in the form of wall tiles. Is he (and the multitude of members of his ilk) plain callous? Or are they not aware of even the basics of mobile etiquette?
People generally, yes people like you and me, talk at thrice the normal volume when using the mobile phone as opposed to a face to face conversation. I don’t know what psychology compels us to do that, but in Kiritbhai’s case it really is a high water mark. So much so, when his consort, Sabita Ben makes her twice daily routine calls, we often hold bets as to whether they are exchanging family pleasantries or are having a fierce argument, going by the yells they throw at each other over the hapless handsets. That the rajma-chawal Sabita ben had packed for lunch had gone sour and that Kiritbhai has got tickets for the Friday blockbuster becoming public knowledge in no time.
Why label the poor Kiritbhai uncouth? His boss has the habit of going through entire meetings fiddling with his blackberry even as his subordinates speak, only to emerge when his chat sessions end, expecting the speakers to start their deliberations from the scratch.
However, the real pit, if you ask me, is the way these people treat those who wait to serve them. Cut to a restaurant. See the waiter waiting in dignified silence to take the order, even while the so-called customer shouts endlessly on about totally frivolous things as if the waiter did not even exist? Yes, yes. He’s the one who will not think twice about breaking into a lengthy harangue over the cell even as you get bored to death and the food gets cold. The belching man standing in the queue behind you and giving detailed instructions on how to bribe the local cop, too, is no different. Nor is the one who is professing endless love to his fair maid, phone precariously stuck between ear and shoulder as he drives, his car stereo blaring even as he honks irritably at everything, including the traffic signals.
Another peculiarity of this mobile carrying mob is the language they use. Four letter words and choice expletives which are corrosive enough to make neighborhood ears blush are used with gay abandon with scant regard for those, including children, around. Point it out and the rebuttal will be fierce – it’s my phone that I am yelling at. If you don’t like my language, just f**k-off! Tell them that they are vitiating your space, that they are invading in your privacy, that they are disturbing your peace of mind and they roll out the mothers and the bahens. Flashing alpha+ Indian virility, in habitual and unabashed full frontal assault on the perennially silent majority. End of argument.
Mobile Etiquette? What’s that? Yes, even as the majority press on with their khadi knicker-ed mock bravado, here’s a simple rule of the thumb that I follow: don’t use your phone where you cannot smoke a cigarette. And yes, that makes restaurants, movie theaters and shopping malls out of bounds.
If you want to stretch things further, here is a quick rundown on what you shouldn’t:
- Respect whoever you are with. Give your attention to your companion. The call from the credit card company offering you an add-on card can wait.
- Avoid taking calls when you are out dining. If you have to, politely excuse yourself and keep the conversation sort.
- Don’t yell. They won’t give you the job calling the faithful to prayer in any case.
- Don’t make a nuisance of yourself in a public place, especially universal quiet zones. Yes, I know you have paid for the tickets, but so have everyone else.
- Don’t make the staff wait. We know you are an obnoxious moron. You don’t have to prove it over and over again.
- Use Voice mail. If you don’t take that call, the world will not come to an end.
- Use the silent / vibration mode. No we don’t really like hearing your Gayetri Mantra ring tone. No, not even the remixed version with Jhankaar beats!
- Please do not fight in public. We are not a detergent company that we will revel at the prospect of you washing your dirty linen in public.
- Filter your language. We don’t want to know how virile you can be with the real or imaginary female members of your opponent’s family.
- Respect the personal space of others. My space is not some public toilet that allows you to be at your pathetic best.
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